~My Coping Mechanisms~

Something most people don’t know about me has to do with my own coping mechanisms. I guess I felt compelled to tell this today because after my weekend travels at The Giant’s Causeway, The Carrick-a-Rede Bridge, and The Belfast Castle (among plenty other things), I had my reflections about last week…

Regarding times that become hard for me, where as most people who usually rely on friends when things get difficult… Or people who seek certain confidants or someone’s shoulder to cry on, I had always been someone who resorted to Music and Nature to handle some of what I’ve had to. In times that I had to cry, it was never that I was ever actually afraid to, I just usually don’t show myself in times that I’m clearly vulnerable. I had always been one who kept my solitude and refrained from depending on others to console some of the things that lead me to be emotional unbalanced. Growing up, I always used my shores, the Beaches I grew up next to, to be a place of refuge when things ever became too much for me. It was a place I actually found peaceful serenity at when everything else seemed chaotic. It was a place in the world where the worries were lifted from me and my shoulders, whether I was there with someone else or not. A place I went to when I sought to alleviate my own uncomfortable emotions, because I’m one person who has had a helluva hard life for some of the things I’ve lived through. In Ashland though, where my life is now, my new-found ‘Beach’ of refuge is actually Lithia Park downtown. I go there when things are difficult and I can’t find a comfortable peace of mind. The water there kinda calms me a little, a lot like the ocean always did at home in Bandon. And nature became a sanctuary for me, regardless if anyone knew it or not. Most don’t know this though.

And as far as music, music has always been a ‘user-friendly’ way to relate with things that seemed to have a lot to do with some of the hardships I’ve been through. Granted, some music I just enjoy for the sake of what could make someone feel good. But for those times that I’ve used music to help me cope with certain things that became honestly beyond my scope, I guess sometimes it actually entailed me dwelling on those things too. I guess the most recent example that is directly relational with what occurred last week was when I was walking to the Bank of Ireland. Regarding some one I believe I might actually have when I get back, for me being here and her being there and me not being able to get through to this person when I try to, or to have to deal with limited communications when things become important to me… For things I might not know or receive enough of, I was walking down the streets of Dun Laoghaire after the most difficult day I already had anyway, and my IPOD was on random and ‘coincidentally’ it played a song called “Strip Her Down” by the band COLD. I was already in a super-sensitive state of mind for all the things I’ve felt and thought before I came to Ireland, after I came to Ireland, as well as my preminitions of the ways things could play out after I’m actually home… Because of stress, I kinda was so beside myself before this particular song came on when I was walking in my solitude anyhow. Then as I heard it, it hit so close to home for me that at first, I was fine. I mean, this music seemed like social work for me, personally. Or internally. But by the last half of the song, I could not keep myself composed at all. A lot of people don’t feel or think the things that I am capable of. Sometimes, to keep it concealed within myself, without that even being a choice or not… Once in a while it makes me feel like my heart might explode because most people don’t live for some of the same things I do. Let alone chase them. There has been a lot of things that I have forgiven though they were things that I can not forget at all. And sometimes, with a lack of magical present-time moments that eventually become positive memories to fall slowly forward for, it makes me recall things that I sometimes wish I could forget. Things that ate at me when I was forced to find out what ‘letting go’ was about. I never really wanted to be there where conflicted memories resurface. But sometimes, due to lack of communication, it’s almost unavoidable.

When I heard my IPOD randomly select ‘Strip Her Down’ I couldn’t really hold back at all, though I was the only one I was with when I was walkin’ through the Streets of Dun Laoghaire. It kind of reminded me about how I felt in the last half of the month of May when I found a song called ‘Its All Good.’ And as I said, most people usually confide in a friend regarding those things that need to be handled. I’m one who happened to favor resorting to Music and Nature when things become some-what unbearable or difficult. These are my coping mechanisms when my personal virtues pertaining to things like patience or sacrifice might become some-what ‘somber’ or ‘upset.’