After It All

I had an amazing time in Ireland. I got Interviewed for The University Of Indiana about reflecting on my time here. Our Last Social was the Greatest Time because we were all saying Goodbye and having a blast before the tomorrow of it all. They all thought I was the most funny, articulate, interesting, and entertaining person they knew. They believed that trip would not have been the same without me. Lindsey was like, "You have SUCH a way with words!" :) And Lisa was like, " Damn Justin, what do you usually just DO with yourself when your time is free?" (She was curious after I started talkin about Tupac and how I haven't watched TV since I was a young teenager) She said, "I wonder what your parents are like, you must of been a very interesting child" :)

After I wrote the Last post about my desires to Be home... We had a Very hilarious Travel Excursion. We went to the Jameson Brewery where the Original Jameson Whiskey was first created in the world. They gave a tour and guide about how the famous Irish Whiskey was created. They asked for VOLUNTEERS! :) I raised my hand. I'm Irish, I felt I had to hold that down!! :) HAHAHA After all the stages of how it was created, we got to the place where the volunteers were to carry it all out. It just so happens, I got to sample different whiskeys of Jameson, Scotch, and Ireland's Finest! I basically got shit-faced in front of all the program and I ended up getting a Certification for Tastin' Jameson Whiskey!! They printed it out with my name and EVERYTHING! Just like a Scholarship! HAHAHA :) Yup, it was in my education to get a certification for Tastin Jameson Whiskey right there in Ireland man! No shit.

Shortly after, we went to an Irish Prison. I got my solitary confinement. I found Ninas name written on the wall where all the old prisoners graffitied the walls long ago during the suffering they were enduring. It was crazy to hear how things were happening in there.

HOME

I think I want nothing more than to just go home right now. I've lived my purpose here. And not only that, I've realized today that I am just entirely too drained. Spiritually, physically, financially, mentally, emotionally. I've just realized today that several aspects of my life became beyond complications I could imagine. Beyond complications I've been used to. I can't disclose certain things but I think today was the one day I've cried the most since I can't even remember. I am very nervous about going home. I'm very nervous about leaving home. I've realized I've been torn between 2 of my wildest dreams. I've realized I'm gonna have to work just as hard while I'm at home to make things right with surviving life; which entails me taking time away from what I'll believe will be important to me. I am already dreading a lack of relaxation. Especially before I have to fly away all over again.

I do not have cold feet at all. It just dawned on me that dreams can add up all at once, then they can also be stripped from you too. My hardships multiplied today. I'll have to sacrifice the time I'm home for work when I wanted it to be for fun-filled memories that I meant to make before I was to fly away again. Let alone sacrificing one wild dream for another. I think my life has overwhelmed me now.

I do wish there was an easy way out but I realized that even though the best things in life are free, the greatest things in life take time, effort, understanding, and patience. I do not know if I'll have a chance to implement any of these because I've realized I'll be forced to work rather than relax. I just want to spend the most amount of time that I can with someone that is very important to me. Someone I care for tremendously. But I know now (as I have in the past) that life never goes according to plan. I feel discouraged because I have my second-thoughts about a lot of things right now and I've never once felt comfortable rendering what doubt is about because it is polar opposite of faith. Certain things I can't shake and after clarity came, I've realized that I've felt and thought so much more, even for what isn't easy for me to handle. I'm hoping that my friends and family could be there for me beyond what I expect because I honestly would choose to be, or see smiles, laughter, and virtually every kind of consolation and happy moment or memory. I really miss certain people SO MUCH. And I also miss this girl I've thought a lot of too. And to know that I'll have to deal with all the things I become fearful for... I have always been very strong but I think certain things are very capable of eating me up and beating me down. I have no idea with the way things will play out for me, but because of financial crisis' that just had to happen to me... I'm forced to purge my precious time towards work, when I won't have a lot of it to begin with. I'd much rather be free to do as I choose and make things better for who I'm close with. Especially someone I'm capable of discovering more for. I guess I might have to relinquish a lot of the thoughts I had been looking forward to carrying out. But it doesn't mean that I couldn't receive support I'd need. I just realized that I can't anticipate what I wish for. That is very hard for me... And when my struggles and hardships multiplied, I kinda cried my self to sleep. I wanna go Home*

The Belfast Castle~ Come Eat Dinner With Me, "I Got Pounds." : ]

My Weekend on a Great Green Travel Bus

For Other Travels… When I went for the Paddy Wagon Tour of Northern Ireland, I ventured to the Carrick-a-Reed Bridge, The Belfast Castle, The Dunlace Castle, Derry, and The Giant’s Causeway.

The Carrick-A-Reed Bridge was the only part of Ireland that reminded me of what a Tropical Lagoon might be like. Nothin’ exotic, but the shore line seemed very ‘aqua.” We walked down a very Gorgeous Trail that eventually lead us all to the passage towards the bridge. This was a rope bridge above two beautiful pieces of land. Beneath the Ariel distance, you could see the Sun shine through very gentle turquoise waves. Once on the other side, you could see Scotland beyond the distance in the far horizon.

The Belfast Castle was quit amazing. I’ve never seen such a sophisticated medieval land of architecture ever. I was kind of dumb-founded. There was gorgeous landscape outside of the Castle, and there was a subtle water fountain within the yard of the Castle. Artistic spiral staircases, relics of ancient history, a restaurant within, and gifts shops at the entrance. I got a fantasy-like poster there. It was also a place where you could look up your Coat-of-Arms. I looked through my mothers maiden name. It was absolutely incredible to find out about your heritage from Irish Decadence.

And The Giant’s Causeway…. I found out why it’s one of the most remarkable places in the World. It is a volcanic phenomenon that is some kind of really rare scientific chance. It actually was formed or created 60 million years ago. I found out that it has just as much mythology, or perhaps more. About the Giants it is name after. And the character’s that seemed petrified in the scene as a whole. A Battle between Scotland’s and Ireland’s Giants. They were 54 feet tall. These beliefs coincided with the ancient and forgotten days of old. When there was an existence with fairies, magical creatures, fawns, beasts, leprachauns, Driuds, Gods, Goddess’, and Heroic Warriors. Things that are passed off as superstition today. I went and ascended several peaks through all these hexagonal pillars. This is probably the chance of a life-time, though I know I’ll be back again. Someday. ; )

The Giant's Cause Way: Where Two 54 Feet-tall Giants Battled Back in the Day

~My Coping Mechanisms~

Something most people don’t know about me has to do with my own coping mechanisms. I guess I felt compelled to tell this today because after my weekend travels at The Giant’s Causeway, The Carrick-a-Rede Bridge, and The Belfast Castle (among plenty other things), I had my reflections about last week…

Regarding times that become hard for me, where as most people who usually rely on friends when things get difficult… Or people who seek certain confidants or someone’s shoulder to cry on, I had always been someone who resorted to Music and Nature to handle some of what I’ve had to. In times that I had to cry, it was never that I was ever actually afraid to, I just usually don’t show myself in times that I’m clearly vulnerable. I had always been one who kept my solitude and refrained from depending on others to console some of the things that lead me to be emotional unbalanced. Growing up, I always used my shores, the Beaches I grew up next to, to be a place of refuge when things ever became too much for me. It was a place I actually found peaceful serenity at when everything else seemed chaotic. It was a place in the world where the worries were lifted from me and my shoulders, whether I was there with someone else or not. A place I went to when I sought to alleviate my own uncomfortable emotions, because I’m one person who has had a helluva hard life for some of the things I’ve lived through. In Ashland though, where my life is now, my new-found ‘Beach’ of refuge is actually Lithia Park downtown. I go there when things are difficult and I can’t find a comfortable peace of mind. The water there kinda calms me a little, a lot like the ocean always did at home in Bandon. And nature became a sanctuary for me, regardless if anyone knew it or not. Most don’t know this though.

And as far as music, music has always been a ‘user-friendly’ way to relate with things that seemed to have a lot to do with some of the hardships I’ve been through. Granted, some music I just enjoy for the sake of what could make someone feel good. But for those times that I’ve used music to help me cope with certain things that became honestly beyond my scope, I guess sometimes it actually entailed me dwelling on those things too. I guess the most recent example that is directly relational with what occurred last week was when I was walking to the Bank of Ireland. Regarding some one I believe I might actually have when I get back, for me being here and her being there and me not being able to get through to this person when I try to, or to have to deal with limited communications when things become important to me… For things I might not know or receive enough of, I was walking down the streets of Dun Laoghaire after the most difficult day I already had anyway, and my IPOD was on random and ‘coincidentally’ it played a song called “Strip Her Down” by the band COLD. I was already in a super-sensitive state of mind for all the things I’ve felt and thought before I came to Ireland, after I came to Ireland, as well as my preminitions of the ways things could play out after I’m actually home… Because of stress, I kinda was so beside myself before this particular song came on when I was walking in my solitude anyhow. Then as I heard it, it hit so close to home for me that at first, I was fine. I mean, this music seemed like social work for me, personally. Or internally. But by the last half of the song, I could not keep myself composed at all. A lot of people don’t feel or think the things that I am capable of. Sometimes, to keep it concealed within myself, without that even being a choice or not… Once in a while it makes me feel like my heart might explode because most people don’t live for some of the same things I do. Let alone chase them. There has been a lot of things that I have forgiven though they were things that I can not forget at all. And sometimes, with a lack of magical present-time moments that eventually become positive memories to fall slowly forward for, it makes me recall things that I sometimes wish I could forget. Things that ate at me when I was forced to find out what ‘letting go’ was about. I never really wanted to be there where conflicted memories resurface. But sometimes, due to lack of communication, it’s almost unavoidable.

When I heard my IPOD randomly select ‘Strip Her Down’ I couldn’t really hold back at all, though I was the only one I was with when I was walkin’ through the Streets of Dun Laoghaire. It kind of reminded me about how I felt in the last half of the month of May when I found a song called ‘Its All Good.’ And as I said, most people usually confide in a friend regarding those things that need to be handled. I’m one who happened to favor resorting to Music and Nature when things become some-what unbearable or difficult. These are my coping mechanisms when my personal virtues pertaining to things like patience or sacrifice might become some-what ‘somber’ or ‘upset.’

On My Way To IADT. Right Back To School

I Was walkin’ with my big badass laptop briefcase, me and my VAIO, and on the way to another cool day of Irish school here at THE INSTITUTION OF ART DESIGN & TECHNOLOGY, I put my awesome IPOD on random (I do that a lot when I ain’t got particular songs I wanna hear) and of 2000 songs that are mostly Metal or Powerful Rock (in general) it picked SHAKIRA!! :)

Shakira is a Tropic Exotic Goddess that is FAR too damn good to come from AMERICA. She is a Colombian Princess that is What I consider to be Mythology that is literally living TODAY.

This song was one I HAVEN’T heard before and it was regarding her finally finding an amazing man AND being “Ready For The Goodtimes.” Oh My God! I was chuckling’ all the way down the road listening to this song about her being ready for the Goodtimes. So I heard her and her sexy, spirited, cheetah anamanpia... Then she was melodically acknowledging it like, "You Know IIIT" In my own hilarious hysteria, I was like, “God DAMN that’s some Great Laundry Service Man.” :) Oh Yeah and I was boogeyin’. I found it to be hilarious man, that’s all. Let it be KNOWN.

Then directly afterward, my IPOD picked the next random song that just happened to be 2PAC’S Track called ‘Soon As I Get Home.’ I was kinda flippin man :) HAHAHAHA

He Said,

“Dear Baby it’s me again stuck inside this max pen / tryin’ to pay my debt for all my sins / See, these penitentiary times be so heavy on my mind / At Times it’s like I’m livin’ just Ta die…."

"My memories fade when I’m intoxicated / fuck it I’ll say it cause the hours are long whenever I am so faded / I know I said it all before but now I mean it / visions of me and you and ******’ so crystal clear I seen it."

"Even though you mad at me you’ll be glad to see the strategy of making these dreams come so easily / I max out in the morning’ baby life is GOOD / Me and you against the WHOLE HOOD… Soon As I Get HOME.”

I Swear To God, Tupac keeps me company! I was ROLLIN’! It made me HELLA happy man. Relevant words telling’ it LIKE THAT*

I LOVE TUPAC WITH ALL MY HEART!!! :) LMAO!!!